I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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