My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
