if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
