don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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