so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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