I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
