Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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