My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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