I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
