All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
