I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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