Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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