She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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