Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
