I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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