I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
