Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
