I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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