I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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