I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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