so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
