my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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