either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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