I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
