i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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