i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
