There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
