Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
