i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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