you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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