this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
