i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
