Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
