Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
