can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
