Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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