You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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