this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
