i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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