we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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