Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
