apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
