so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
