just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
