i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
