My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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