There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
