paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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