She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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