Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Alive.
So much puke
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
