i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
