I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
