Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
